midget walks into a sex shop, goes upto the guy behind the counter and asks, "ill take the biggest oversized novelty condom you have"
guy behind the counter laughs at him, give him what he wanted then showed him into the fitting rooms.
miget came out, condom over his whole body, arms and legs inside and everything and askes the guy behind the counter, "what do i look like to you"
guy behind the counter says, "a big dick!"
midget goes "YES!!!!, im sick of people calling me a little can't"
____________________________________________________________
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of his crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.
And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent #$%&^*%," She screamed at him "How could you be lying! to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
__________________________________________________________
"Man Vs Pregnant Lady" - From an actual trial in London ...
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested for harassment and when the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloan's Liniments remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement, which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"
He won the case.
___________________________________________________________
Three men had just died and were waiting to be let in at the gates of heaven. God appeared and told the men that they were each allowed to have one vehicle to drive around heaven.
To the first man, he said "Your life was full of lies and adultery. You had several affairs while you were married and went so far as to bring women home while your wife was at work and make love in the same bed that she sleeps on at night. As a result, I will only allow you to drive this rusty 1960's Datsun crapbox."
To the second man, God said "You haven't been the perfect Christian, yet you have little to reason to be punished. You once had an office fling, however you realised the error of your ways and repented. To you, I award a late model Commodore/Falcon."
To the third man, God said "You, my son, have been the perfect child. You've lived as a role-model to all and your devotion to not only me, but to your wife and family deserve reward. Not once did you think lustfully about a woman other than your wife. As a result, I will award you with a Ferrari."
So, the three men got into their respective cars and entered heaven.
A few weeks later, however, the first two men (Mr 60's Datsun and Mr Late-Model-Commodore/Falcon) see the third man sitting on the hood of his immaculate Ferrari, crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter, mate?", one asks.
"You shouldn't be crying, you're the perfect Christian and you've got the most awesome car to drive around. You should be living it up and enjoying yourself around here...Why are you feeling so down?", says the other.
To that, the third man replied "I just saw my wife enter heaven...riding on a skateboard."
__________________________________________________________
Theres two sausages in a pan.
One says to the other, "Damn its mighty hot in here!"
The other turns and says, "OH MY fugging GOD ITS A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
__________________________________________________________
My biology teacher told our class this, scary enough...true story he says.
A new teacher walked into her classroom for the very first time, and noticed a large penis drawn on the blackboard. As it was her first day, she was to expect such misbehavior from students, so she took the eraser and rubbed it out
The next day, she walks into the same classroom and sees an even larger penis drawn on the board. Yet again, she simply takes the eraser and rubs it off the board.
On her third day, she walks into the classroom and there is a gigantic penis drawn on the board, and there is a little message inscribed under it.
"The more you rub, the bigger it gets."
guy behind the counter laughs at him, give him what he wanted then showed him into the fitting rooms.
miget came out, condom over his whole body, arms and legs inside and everything and askes the guy behind the counter, "what do i look like to you"
guy behind the counter says, "a big dick!"
midget goes "YES!!!!, im sick of people calling me a little can't"
____________________________________________________________
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of his crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.
And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent #$%&^*%," She screamed at him "How could you be lying! to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
__________________________________________________________
"Man Vs Pregnant Lady" - From an actual trial in London ...
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested for harassment and when the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner:
"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloan's Liniments remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement, which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"
He won the case.
___________________________________________________________
Three men had just died and were waiting to be let in at the gates of heaven. God appeared and told the men that they were each allowed to have one vehicle to drive around heaven.
To the first man, he said "Your life was full of lies and adultery. You had several affairs while you were married and went so far as to bring women home while your wife was at work and make love in the same bed that she sleeps on at night. As a result, I will only allow you to drive this rusty 1960's Datsun crapbox."
To the second man, God said "You haven't been the perfect Christian, yet you have little to reason to be punished. You once had an office fling, however you realised the error of your ways and repented. To you, I award a late model Commodore/Falcon."
To the third man, God said "You, my son, have been the perfect child. You've lived as a role-model to all and your devotion to not only me, but to your wife and family deserve reward. Not once did you think lustfully about a woman other than your wife. As a result, I will award you with a Ferrari."
So, the three men got into their respective cars and entered heaven.
A few weeks later, however, the first two men (Mr 60's Datsun and Mr Late-Model-Commodore/Falcon) see the third man sitting on the hood of his immaculate Ferrari, crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter, mate?", one asks.
"You shouldn't be crying, you're the perfect Christian and you've got the most awesome car to drive around. You should be living it up and enjoying yourself around here...Why are you feeling so down?", says the other.
To that, the third man replied "I just saw my wife enter heaven...riding on a skateboard."
__________________________________________________________
Theres two sausages in a pan.
One says to the other, "Damn its mighty hot in here!"
The other turns and says, "OH MY fugging GOD ITS A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
__________________________________________________________
My biology teacher told our class this, scary enough...true story he says.
A new teacher walked into her classroom for the very first time, and noticed a large penis drawn on the blackboard. As it was her first day, she was to expect such misbehavior from students, so she took the eraser and rubbed it out
The next day, she walks into the same classroom and sees an even larger penis drawn on the board. Yet again, she simply takes the eraser and rubs it off the board.
On her third day, she walks into the classroom and there is a gigantic penis drawn on the board, and there is a little message inscribed under it.
"The more you rub, the bigger it gets."
