penngwyne
Well-Known Member
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting
the freshly-painted door which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then
throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes ingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Oh darn..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to
make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool
commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools
built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves
used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost
entirely for lighting various flammable objects in
your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool
commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A
tool ten times harder than any known drill bit
that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby
ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw
primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to
stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for
opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable
screws.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too
short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of
war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling
'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting
the freshly-painted door which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then
throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes ingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Oh darn..."
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to
make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool
commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools
built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to
completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves
used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost
entirely for lighting various flammable objects in
your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool
commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A
tool ten times harder than any known drill bit
that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby
ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw
primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to
stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for
opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable
screws.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too
short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of
war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling
'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.
