92 replies to this topic

[Advanced Jap]

not many people would

you would have to spend a fair bit of time on nissansilvia to understand

best I edit it in case some people get offended

Don't mind me guys , I just like to hang shit, It's all pretty harmless, this time of year the weather gets warmer and I spring to life after hibernation coupled with a slight case of undiagnosed A.D.D

Edited by Advanced Jap, 07 October 2013 - 02:48 PM.

[evo-gsr]

Pfft...I dont get it.

[EVL20T]

Straity 180 lol

OMG FML WTF ROFLMAO CYA L8R SBW4LYF LOL

[lefty]

LOL at this

 

 

WARNING: DO NOT READ WHILE EATING OR DRINKING

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT LAUGHING LIKE AN IDIOT IN A RESTAURANT

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.



At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

 

Edited by lefty, 17 October 2013 - 09:12 AM.

[jack be nimble]

Gotta get the stuff for sensitive areas

[Gianni]

Should have got a zooper dooper

[evo-gsr]

That is a classic story!! 

[Geo&Kez]

South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. As his first overseas trip was a holiday in Australia, he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"Great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed, "We'd never get away with that at home!”

[Geo&Kez]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had s@x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having s@x against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence... The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s@x that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic s@x life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.’

[Evo-00x]

bwahahahahahaaaaa.... ^^^^^ Good ones George.

[evo-gsr]

LOL!!!!!!!! At that second one.

[evo-gsr]

A boy says to his dad,"Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't green? His dad replies, "It's just a saying,son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught "red-handed", even though their hands are actually black."

[Geo&Kez]

'Non-reflective' is the term you where looking for Jamo.

[Benzo4gT]

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine.

He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley-Davidson!'

[Geo&Kez]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted !

Moral : Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt !

[Geo&Kez]

WARNING:   Politically (and racially and religiously and sexually) incorrect….

 

 

 

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
 
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $4.95/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she can't play snooker for nuts.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly. 

[jack be nimble]

Might get myself a taser.

[BMGTZ]

yep...great piece of gear. just remember not to taze them again while your doing it.

[Benzo4gT]

I saw a ute with a bumper sticker that said "I am a vet therefore I can drive like an animal" I then suddenly realised how many gynaecologists there are out there.

[Geo&Kez]

Potentially vs. Realistically?

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

 

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

 

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then go ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

 

Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

 

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University !'
               
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

 

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

 

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

 

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

 

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

 

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on
three million dollars .
              
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.