92 replies to this topic

[Gianni]

Thought it would be good to have a joke/funny story thread
Let me start off with:


How do you get a leper out of bed in the morning?....
....with a rake

[evo-gsr]

A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit.

As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats.

A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog.

The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.

"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog?

Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"

The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "Oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."

The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out.

The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.

"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... You eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong b*tch out the window."

[evo-gsr]

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".

The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

And the Indian replies, "Ear sticky".






A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!

Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse.
Look what he did to my tits!

[evo-gsr]

If sex between 3 people is called a "threesome" and between 2 people is called a "twosome", I know why you are called handsome!

[EVL20T]

Im sick of double standards!!
My wife buys a "rampant rabbit with attachments" and she is seen as a 'naughty fun girl with a special new toy'.
But when i order a '240volt deluxe fistmaster 5000 latex revolving pussy with realistic elasticated anus, imitation sh!t dribble, semen collection tray, and a built in sadistic rape sound system'
Then that supposedly makes me some kind of pervert!


So im standing at the bar and this little chinese guy is stood at the side of me,
So i asked him "do you know martial arts like Kun-Fu and Ju-Jitsu..."
He replied "why u ask me that, is it because i'm chinese?!"
I said "NO!, its because your drinking my f**king beer you little bastard!"


Another GREAT day!! been to the gym, had a nice shower and ive just picked up a bottle of home brew off a neighbour for this afternoon
Ive got a few joints rolled up for the X-box tournament with the lads, after which i'll muck about online with some porn and gambling sites then a nice blowjob before i head off to bed
I LOVE prison


Ive been in hospital all this morning, i was having a mole removed from my penis.... now im on my final warning from the R.S.P.C.A


A couple driving home and run over a possum, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replies "but its all wet and it stinks", he says "well hold the possums nose then"


I say on the train this morning opposite a stunning thai girl...
I kept thinking to myself, please dont get an erection, please dont get an erection...
But she did


I couldnt find that f**ken this that peels the carrots and potatos
So i asked the kids if they'd seen it...
Apparently she left me yesterday

[EVL20T]

Last night my neighbor was claiming that i'd been stealing her underwear off the clothesline
She was yelling so much and frightened me, i nearly sh!t her pants


The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday..
Very nice, but i think they misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch


Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle ticktets for poor black orphans..
I said "F**k that, knowing my luch i'd win one!"

[evo-gsr]

[Gianni]

What's a sheep without legs
A cloud

Edited by Gianni, 26 September 2011 - 12:05 AM.

[Gianni]

I wanna make a gay joke, butt fuck it!

[htgsr]

Not really a Joke per say but I laughed my arse off when I read it

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[evo-gsr]

^ That's gold!! What a fucking banana doing that to himself!!!

[Gianni]

2 nuns are riding a tandem bike. One says ooo I've never come this way. The other replies it's these pebbles!

[p055um5]

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun.

BUT when a guy orders a 240-volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup
latex doll with 6-speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with
non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in
realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, he's called a pervert !!!!???

[evo-gsr]

Yep...an old one, just been re-worded.

[evo-gsr]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh!

[evo-gsr]

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch."Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks.The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope."As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."



A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.Suddenly, Lorraine died.At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

Edited by evo-gsr, 16 July 2013 - 10:21 AM.

[evo-gsr]

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

[EVL20T]

My friend Carlos got his car stolen, now we call him Los

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear

How do you attract a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

Why did the elephant paint her toe-nails red?
To hide in cherry trees!
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cheery tree? See, it works

A skeleton walked into a bar. "What'll it be?", asked the bartender. "I'll have a beer and a mop," said the skeleton

Two birds are sitting on a perch
One says to the other, "do you smell fish?"

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

Two cows were standing in a field.
One cow said, "Moo".
The other cow said, "Hey . . . I was going to say that."

Two whales walk into a bar and the bartender asks what they will have, the first whale says "WooooOOOooowooeEEeeooWOOoooo", and the second whale says "shut up bob you're drunk"

Two rednecks are walking down a country road and come upon a dog licking his genitals. One redneck looks at the other and says "Gee, I sho wish i could do that" The other responds "He'll bite you"

So Heisenberg is blazing down the highway, top down on his convertible, when he sees flashing lights; a cop is pulling him over. The officer gets out, walks over, and leans toward Heisenberg's window.
"Do you have any idea how fast you were going, sir?"
"No," says Heisenberg, "but I can tell you where I am"

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street.
Suddenly, one turns to the other and says, 'Oh, ****, I think I lost an electron!'
The second one says 'Are you sure?'
'Yes, I'm positive!'

[EVL20T]

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat ME

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called C$NT scrapes

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts

[Geo&Kez]

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, Super Cheap Auto, BCF, or any other blokey-type shop. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month or so I have become a victim of a very clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
And don't be naive enough to think this couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, late teen / early twenties girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look!
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No,' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into your vehicle.
On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, in the process taking the wrinkles out of your old fella, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also on June 1st, 3rd, 5th and very likely again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way for these young exploiters to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
(Bi-Lo has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the Salvo's and bought them out of all of their stock in three of their stores.)
Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)