92 replies to this topic

[Geo&Kez]

CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory,
where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows
and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

(Didn't know there was a difference!)

The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.

I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent . . .

[EVL20T]

A little boy went into his parents room and found his mum bouncing on his dad up and down. When she saw her son, she quickly jumped down and was worried cause of what her son saw..so the little boy asked his mum "mummy what you doing"? And she said "well you know your dad has a big stomach, so sometimes I help go on him and help him flatten it"...then the small boy said "mummy you are wasting your time" and she asked "why is that" and he said "anytime you go shopping, the lady next door comes to his room, goes on her knees and always blows it back up

[White Knight]

Too funny lads... But I'll give it a crack.
2 cows in the north of England are happily enjoying their lucious green grass when one says to the other "Harold, have you heard about the mad cow disease? Apparently its killing a lot of cows off!" To which Harold replied "yes, of course I have. What of it? " "well, aren't you worried in the slightest Harold?". Harold thought about his for a second and then said "why would I? Your f*cked for sure, but dude, I'm a tractor!" With this Harold merrily broom broomed his way down the paddock.

[EVL20T]

Why is a cow called Harold?? Harold is a males name... Cows are female

[Geo&Kez]

Mad cows call themselves anything they want. I know these things, I wake up next to one every morning.

Except tomorrow morning, if she reads this..............

[jack be nimble]

Yea. But tractors are boys.

[Geo&Kez]

Oh gezz....... it's like Thailand all over again........

I got to remember the test........... Play with their boobs then dip them in flour....... if they come out with a clam, then it's probably not a man.....

[BMGTZ]

Mad cows call themselves anything they want. I know these things, I wake up next to one every morning.

Except tomorrow morning, if she reads this..............

or if she sees my at the next event and you havent slipped the fifty bucks quiet money to me....

Edited by BMGTZ, 04 September 2013 - 10:51 AM.

[evo-gsr]

Mad cows call themselves anything they want. I know these things, I wake up next to one every morning.

Except tomorrow morning, if she reads this..............

Lol!!

or if she sees my at the next event and you havent slipped the fifty bucks quiet money to me....

Double Lol!!

[Geo&Kez]

Brian.....buddy pal. How you been. Fuck it, fifty on it way........

Back on topic. Joke thread.......

I love working in my garage. Working without a hoist is fun and easy..........

[EVL20T]

AND THATS HOW THE FIGHT STARTED!!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift, When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[trist]

A married couple are in counselling, the counsellor says to the husband "what is your wife's favourite flower?" the husband replied with "self raising."

And that's how the fight started.

[Django]

Tony Abbott

[Geo&Kez]

^^
BWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!

Winner: Joke of the .....ears. (you know, big flappy ones)

[BMGTZ]

kevin rudd thinking he was in with a chance

[Geo&Kez]

Duncan The Crab
Duncan, the humble crab and Kate, the Lobster Princess, were madly, deeply and passionately in love.

For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan .
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Duncan was shattered and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King
Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush...................................

For quite a while............................

Finally, the crab spoke.......
.....
.....
.....

"F**k, I'm pissed" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[evo-gsr]

Lol!!

[Geo&Kez]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

7 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

8 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

9 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

10 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

11 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

12 - Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[evo-gsr]

Nice George!

[Geo&Kez]

Alien Women Invading Earth

Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping

sexy, good looking men,

who are great drivers and have large dicks....

You, personally, are not in any danger.

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Edited by Geo&Kez, 03 October 2013 - 03:38 AM.