Entaran
Well-Known Member
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home.
